Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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