Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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