Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
