Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
