carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your penis caused this!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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