Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
