He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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