I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize