i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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