whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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