Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
