can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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