did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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