god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
