If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
