Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
