I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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