please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize