pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
