I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
