oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
