last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
