Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my sisters under your porch take her home
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
ttyl tear gas
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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