I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
