I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
