can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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