Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
