I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
