Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When are your genitals available?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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