who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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