The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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