My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
