WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
