You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
