Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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