sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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