Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
