Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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