Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
