Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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