When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
