My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
