I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
