how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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