I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
