My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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