I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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