The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
