I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
