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so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
