I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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