Jerry, you need to find god
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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