i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
