Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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