Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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