i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
