I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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