bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
