Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
