I just threw up on my dentist
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
