on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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