saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
