I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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