my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
