the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
