I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
