bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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