one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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