I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
