i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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