I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
