I'm gonna have a badass scar
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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