What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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