Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
