Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize